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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2009|05:44 pm]

Haven't updated in a while..

So... I went to the hospital Thursday with a concussion and a sprained ankle from work. I was playing on the inflatable obstacle course when Mike accidentally landed on me and my head hit the ground.... lol. Definitely the story of a life time. In any case, Mike's been waiting on me hand and foot so I know he feels terrible about it. Further, the doctor I had was really cute so that made up for it.. sort of.

Mike and my  relationship has really grown these past few weeks. A lot of it has to do with his quitting wow I think. He's so much more intimate and himself now that he's quit. He's romantic even. He doesn't get irritable or moody now which makes me way less anxious.

I hate to admit to when I'm happy but it seems like my life is really together right now, aside from my head/ankle injury. I feel happy and at peace. I really do love Michael, and after being with him a year (the 4th was our one year!), it gets harder and harder to think about goodbye at the end of the summer. I just wish I could take him home with me for a week before we parted ways.


I am seriously considering working at camp again next summer. I love the kids and I love the job itself so much.

Ironically, my favorite camper is the one everyone else hates. His name is Chad, and I think he's the reason God put me in Delaware for the summer. Chad is about 4 years old and adopted. He has a sister who's also adopted and slightly autistic. Chad is absolutely adorable, so he often has people trying to pick him up and such which he hates. He generally responds to people with a kick or a bite when they approach him. He has a reputation for being poorly behaved and a brat.

Now, for some reason, Chad and  I get along great. It started on the first week. During music class he didn't speak the entire class and had tried to run away during craft time just an hour before. The other kindergarteners and I were having great time singing a Christian kids rock song. We were all singing and of a sudden out of nowhere Chad screams, gets up, and starts dancing, singing and playing an imaginary electric guitar and having a blast. Later on he sat down next to me and confided in me that he loves rock music.

We didn't talk much more until the next week when I sat by him at the pool. He had been really poorly behaved all day... running, biting, slapping, kicking. So he started painting my arms with sun screen. We didn't talk for a while but then he spoke up. He told me he was acting up because nobody would ever just leave him alone in his peace and quiet. And he made a deal with me that if we sang the "goofy" song during music, he'd behave the rest of the week.

Last week he didn't do anything during music and then when it was time to leave he refused to go. I let his councilor leave him with me and then when we were entirely alone he sang to me. He has a gorgeous little voice that at 4 years old stays right on pitch.

I know Chad is talented, and I know he's a good kid. He's got problems and has seen things I can't even imagine. But that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve Christ's love. Moments with Chad make me want to be a teacher. To connect with a child and help them through their confusion is why I want to teach. I want to help children grow up to their full potential.


In other news... I'm seeing Harry Potter tonight! Woohoo!

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(no subject) [Jun. 19th, 2009|10:14 pm]

Camp is an absolute dream come true. Every day I get to sing, go outside, play tag, play kick ball, roller skate, swim, bowl, and just spend time working with kids. It’s absolutely amazing. I love every minute of it and because I’ve been working out I never run out of energy for it! It’s once again making me realize how much I really do belong in teaching where I get to spend time with kids all day!

Working at camp with Mike is definitely helping our relationship in some ways, but making me sad about it in others. Seeing him around the kids makes me realize why I fell in love with him. He’s an amazing guy, but he has a problem, and it’s that damn computer game. Every time he’s at work he seems so happy and alive. He plays games with the kids and colors with them. He’s clearly the favorite of all the campers.. they chant his name during basketball and any other games we play. What kills me is after being so alive at camp, he goes home and gets on the computer and is a completely different person. It just doesn’t make sense!

I realized his anger is all coming from one thing… World of Warcraft. When I went back and thought about every time he’s ever flipped out on me.. without fail he has played WoW within an hour before the rage. I wish I could do something to make him realize that it’s destroying our relationship and his own future. He’s put on so much weight, he’s got this terrible temper, he doesn’t do anything but play and talk about playing.

I seriously want to write a letter to the CEOs of WoW and tell them how I feel. I know it would do absolutely nothing, but I need to be heard. I’m so disgusted by the fact that this corporation is making millions upon millions of dollars with the demise of human beings. It’s so wrong.

I want camp Mike all the time, and I’m praying that God will reveal to me a way to make him come alive again. Even if we don’t end up together, I need to know he’s not completely lost his incredible potential. It's just so hard to love someone who's so proud.


In other news, I have begun reading the Harry Potter books for the first time. I feel like as a future elementary school teacher I should read them… so, yeah! I’ll keep you posted on how that works out.

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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2009|03:25 pm]

On the bright side… camp was wonderful. On the negative side… Mike wasn’t.

Let me start with camp. The kids are wonderful. I have about 20 kids in grades K-3 that I do activities with and then twice a week I teach music and songs for an hour. It’s really great. I have a few rambunctious boys, but they are still young enough that they respect me, which is why it works out.

Mike’s job is probably the easiest and most fun job at camp. He is not responsible for any individual kids, or for having a program together really. He plays games like red light green light and stuff with 3 other leaders, and the other counselors are there and responsible for their own kids.

In any case.. he was in a good mood because of his job this year.

So we get to his house and he starts playing wow with his brother. I asked if we could go get my laptop so I wasn’t dying of boredom… his brother’s response… “well, we won’t play for long today.” Okay… so I’m supposed to fucking sit there and do absolutely nothing for an hour or two while you raid?

So Mike knew I was pissed so he drove me to my apartment. As I was getting my stuff ready he made it clear he wanted to hook up. Now for anyone who knows me, Mike is the first guy I’ve really been intimate with.. so this is always a big deal with me. So since I haven’t been feeling so great about us, I really haven’t felt like anything for myself, and I usually just do things for him now. Apparently, after a solid 5 or 6 times of this happening, he’s too dense to pick up on anything. Many times, he doesn't even bother to ask now. So in any case, I took care of him and then we fell asleep together.

So I had a bad dream and in my sleep I jumped out of bed freaked out. Instead of asking me if I was okay, Mike then decided to get mad at me. He got out of bed, told me to grab my shit and come with him to his house or he was leaving without me. I tried to be cute and a bit whiney and said “wait… come cuddle a bit.” And he said “No, I’m awake now,” and through his tone I knew he was blaming me for what happened. I goofed around a bit and he just got angrier and angrier. Eventually, he just left.

Now, I’m sitting in my bed, that still smells like him, by myself. I have no car, no friends, and he knows that. I feel cheap, and at this point I don’t think I ever want him to touch me again. 

My boyfriend snaps at me randomly, tells me I’m stupid, and makes fun of my passion for music and theater. He doesn’t understand me, and he doesn’t try to. The only time he’s nice to me is when he knows he’s treated me like shit, or when he wants me to touch his penis. And right now, rather than cuddle his girlfriend… he chose World of Warcraft.

I am officially giving up. The ball is in his court now.

If there is no change come August 14th when I move to MA, we are finished. I deserve to be loved and I am not stupid. I also deserve to be with someone who isn’t obsessed with a video game and who doesn’t yell at me when I interrupt him and his game.

I hate being alone, but maybe I need to be. I’m not any happier right now than I was when I was single.

I can do better than thatCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2009|01:00 am]

Hi there,

So camp started this week. The kids don't come until tomorrow, but we had training and such. I am now certified in CPR. :)

I'm really starting to love being in such a stress free enviroment in some ways. I feel like whenever I’m in Delaware it’s relaxed and people just sit back and do nothing. It’s definitely nice for a vacation spot or for the summer, but I could never imagine living here. I can see why Mike likes it though, and since he’s lived here his entire life I can also see why it’s so hard for him to leave/grow up and move on.

I think inevitably our biggest issue will happen in another year or two. Eventually, he’s either going have to move to Massachusetts or lose me once he graduates. I have a teaching certification in Massachusetts, and he has no clue what he wants to do with this business degree.. it only makes sense for him to come here. My fear is I’m investing so much into him and he won’t do it. My fear started when I told him I would pay for hotel if he would come to Disney for New Years with me… and he said no because his friends do something every New Years, aka play Halo all night. Did I not sacrifice seeing my friends last year for him? That’s what I mean… I don’t think he gets it. I will not uproot myself when my life is finally coming together. And if he can’t give up New Years how is he going to give up his hometown? It's hard to love someone when the future is so uncertain at times. One thing is for sure, I'm not going to Delaware again, he's coming to me.

In any case… I know whatever happens, God is in control. He has handled things in ways I could never have imagined before, so I know He will handle this as well. I am a smart girl and I know God’s wisdom will show me the right things to do and say when the time comes.

While I am relaxed here, I can’t help but miss/worry about people back home also. A lot of my friends have broken hearts and I wish I could be there for them. I wish I could help my moonlight friends memorize lines, and make character choices. Matt C was telling me today that during the read through he realized how much he missed me. I really wish I could be in Music Man. I also wish I could be home at good ol’ store 96 (build-a-bear) too, I’m working at the one down here (store 76) starting in July… but it’s not the same.

In the end… Dorothy was right, “If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!” I’m definitely learning that now.

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(no subject) [Jun. 11th, 2009|03:02 am]
"I wanted IN. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made. Frank knows what he wants, he found his place, he's just fine. Married, two kids, it should be enough. It is for him. And he's right; we were never special or destined for anything at all. "

- Revolutionary Road

^If it was a little longer, I'd use it for monologues :-p

Brilliant movie, I highly suggest everyone read it. It truly expresses both the irony and tragedy of the American dream. Classic.
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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2009|05:39 pm]

Yeah, yeah… I know… shame on me! I haven’t posted in a year!


So where to begin… well, I’m in Delaware right now. I’ve been dating a guy named Mike for about a year now and I’m working at his camp this summer.

I left Gordon, going to Salem State now… for multiple reasons. Money, Student Life, Academics… you name it. I am studying Elementary Education and Music. I’m not exactly sure what I want to do with my life entirely.. which is funny because my major is pretty straight forward on the surface. Ironically, my major is actually more versatile than people outside of it realize. With education, I can work at any museum, zoo, tourist site, tutoring center, after school program or recreation center, etc. It’s not that I don’t want to work in an actual school… know I want to teach one day… heck, I picture having my own classroom of 3rd graders and I get so excited it’s pathetic. But my fear is that if I don’t experience, then my students won’t be engaged. I want to be the kind of teacher that tells amazing stories and gets kids excited about everything they’re learning, not just read out of some ancient text book. That sounds so cheesy I’m gonna puke. Hahaha

In any case, I just got back from an internship with Walt Disney World. While parts of it were terrible, it was also one of the most incredible experiences of my entire life. I worked at the Bippidi Boppidi Boutique and made little girls into their favorite Disney princesses. I loved work, and my few friends, but God also revealed a lot to me about people that made me less than thrilled. I guess the things I saw made me realize even more so how much I need to get out of Gordon and see the real world and how people are suffering. Disney is a beautiful place… but it also gives a lot of false hopes. It is the happiest place on earth, but that’s the key part… on earth. So many people I met felt they would receive some divine intervention from the deity that is Disney. There are regulars that come literally every day because it’s the only place they feel complete. Some days I would sit in the park and watch people, ready cry because of the amount of lonely, unhappy people I saw. When you’re in the park with your family… you don’t realize it because you’re having so much fun yourself. But living there every day… you see the emptiness in some people. I wish I could explain the irony better but it’s really something you have to experience. All I know it I wish there was a way to minister to people about Jesus who came to Disney World. Some of them are seeking salvation so clearly that it’s plain as the nose on their face.

In other news however, now I’m looking to apply for an internship at the Smithsonian for next summer. It’s one of the most highly competitive Education major internships in the country, but luckily I know a good ol’ man named John Moriarty Senior… who happens to be close friends with John Kerry, whom I met last winter. If Mr. Moriarty plays his cards right… he might be able to get me a recommendation for the internship from him (Which I feel like might change their insight as to whether I am eligible or not.. J)! If I get that internship, my career is in the bag!

In terms of now.. I’m laying low until camp starts.

Yep... that's about it.

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(no subject) [Sep. 10th, 2008|11:32 pm]

^ Anonymous, Post Secret

Today is the one year. And I look back on it  and I am amazed.

Thank you, first and formost, Lord for always believing in me and pulling me through.

As for everyone else... ceb, maddie, courtney, erika, JT, Jimmy... and anyone else who happens to read this (Shithead)... thank you. Lang, you will forever be my guardian Angel. <3.

I can officially say I'm no longer "broken," and I'm sooo much happier than I ever was before. God works in mysterious ways. And if I hadn't left Westminster, I never would've realized my love for children at Buildabear and become an El. Ed. major, I never would've met Chris or Amber... my two best friends at school who transferred in the Spring, I never would've met Mike, I never would've done Nunsense and grown so close with Kim... none of this would have been possible.

Once again, I thank God  for seeing the big picture.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all you do follow him, and he will make your path straight."
Joshua 1:9

From now on, it's in His hands.
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(no subject) [Aug. 25th, 2008|07:06 am]
 Well, today is the first day of real college for me.

I can't say if I'm excited or terrified. As anyone who reads this knows, when put into a new situation, I usually like to set goals for myself. So, being that it's the first day of school, here it goes:

Smo's 2nd  Year of College Goals Semester 1:

1. Make at least 5 new friends.
2. Make sure the newbies feel welcome... especially the ones I know (Seany D, Esther)
3. Join a ministry team/mission trip team (I wanna go to South America I think!)
4. Do all my homework BEFORE socializing in order to get all As this semester :) :)
5. Keep one hair color all semester. :-p


Not bad for goals, let's see! This semester I'm pushing for grades, grades, grades!! I want Dean's List. That's the whole point of living on campus after all. 

Well, I'm off! Wish me luck! Come visit!

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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2008|09:55 am]

Last night I realized I need to grow up.

I love moonlight with all of my heart, but I need to call this recital my last show. If I come home every summer, it's going to become even more difficult after college when I'm like 25 and have to quit doing shows.

Further, I can't stay in the tritown forever. I need to leave the nest. I have a few plans for next summer so I'm not home so at least on of them has to pull through:

1. A bunch of Gordon peeps are organizing a trip to backpack through Europe. That's been one of my dreams for years. We're going to start in Madrid and work our way to Rome. This is my top choice, but it requires a TON of self control on the financial part for me and also a lot of organization from all of us.

2. Build-A-Bear Internship. A lot of people tool on me for working there, but they sure as hell provide their employees with a ton of opportunities. I would go there for the entire summer. I'd meet the owner, Maxine Clarke, and get to learn how the business started as well as meet some of the people at Disney and Payless Shoes. Essentially, it would be worthless in the sense that it doesn't coincide with my major, but for the experience aspect it would be fascinating. enriching, and it would help me find a job if I ever changed majors. The internship is at Bear Headquarters in St. Louis, Missouri. There are lots of cool tourist attractions such as the zoo, and I'd get the chance to meet a ton of new people.

3. Finally, if both fall through, I'm going to request a Build-A-Bear transferral for the summer to either NYC or the Disneyland store. I'd work and live there full time and get a taste of what it's like to live on my own. 


So that's that. And I'll be honest, besides the growing up, I'm just tired of the way people treat me. You know, the fact that I'm a Christian and go to a Christian college was funny the first 8 times, but now it's not. And coming up to me and saying stuff like "God sucks," or "God isn't real" doesn't hurt my faith as much as hurt my feelings, and make me sad that my friends would attack something I care about so much. I'm tired of being treated like a joke. Or told that I don't go to a real college. I am 20 years old, and I am a human being. I have never looked down on anyone for not being Christian. I love Jesus Christ with all of my heart and soul, but that has NEVER stopped me from loving any of them. 

After this summer, I wish everyone the best of luck in the future. I love you all and cherish the tritown and it's memories with all of my heart.

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(no subject) [Aug. 11th, 2008|07:52 pm]
Gay: What makes you so sad? You're the saddest girl I ever met.
Roslyn: You're the first man who's ever said that. I'm usually told how happy I am.
Gay: That's because you make a man feel happy.

- The Misfits, 1961
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